Three easy ways to zen: better living through decomposed corpses
If you want proof that all of this is just a bad existential joke that got out of hand, that humans are irredeemably flawed and art got told to fuck itself and die years ago, you can find it on the shelves in WH Smith under ‘Real Life Tragic Stories’. Perhaps you are familiar with this genre. You might own some yourself. You may feel comparably better after wandering through 200 pages of paltry triumph over motherfucker adversity and her greedy henchman. You may even be one.
Alternatively, you might favour the direct advice of the self-help book that takes basic common sense and repackages it with enough complication to encourage you to part with your cash money. If you’re particularly diligent, you might want to read widely to analyse all the advice that’s out their for you. Like reading ‘The Rules’ and not calling because ‘Men are from Mars’ and women use Venus razors. Or for the more pop-lit savvy, take a popular phenomenon and make manic cross-references between it and aforementioned basic common sense and, behold! A new philosophical A-road to happiness with all of your favourite mini-series characters to guide you to self-actualisation.
My personal favourite has to be The Zen of Zombie: Better Living Through the Undead by Scott Kenmore. I haven’t actually read it, just the synopsis on Amazon – but I think beyond all reasonable doubt this was the best book you could have bought to salve your psychic woes in 2007. Where else could learn to ’slow down and move at your own pace’ and ‘devour those irritating people who get in your way?’.
That’s a rhetorical question by the way: I’ve applied my extensive knowledge of the zombie in pop culture to basic principles for staying alive to save your money, and soul in three easy steps to zombie self-help.
1) Eat to eat, not to live. Zombies don’t eat to live, they’re dead. But they also don’t have body image issues, which is surprising given that they’re decomposing. Nor are they aware of the hundreds of books packed onto the shelves this January in an effort to cash in on the extra squidge we made over the festive season exhorting us to make like ’skinny bitches’ or eat like French women or basically eat more vegetables and don’t eat dessert as a food group. The zombie diet isn’t diverse, but it does contain a lot of protein and avoids unnecessary amounts of carbohydrates and sugars which are easy to store as fat. There’s no remorse in the zombie diet: see food move, eat food, find more. Tap into your primal neanderthal and take a hunt-gather approach to your food – treat it as prey and marvel as you make a waistline.
2) Don’t overthink it. Life is full of grey nuances and paradoxes which are impossible to reconcile. So don’t. Or do. A lot of the time there are some very basic, very simple forces at work that create the outcomes we strive for so frenetically. Zombies eat brains and rely on theirs not getting shot through. They don’t get awarded doctorates but they’re pretty successful at what they do. Keep it simple, make like the uncarved block and go about your business mindfully and without unduly harsh self-judgement.
3) Don’t defect, be direct. People run away from more absurd things than zombies all the time and create elaborate excuses to give irrational fears some semblance of structure. Zombies are just that – they exist without apology or self-recrimination and offer no rationale for their actions. This is not to say that mindless killing is cool, it’s just an example – okay? Man up to the life chores you’ve left undone and backed away from and work through them mechanically. Drool at the corners of your mouth optional.
